The Turnip Prize and Me

Once again, now that I'm back in the UK, I'm going to enter a couple of pieces o fartwork---yes, it says, o fartwork on purpose, rather than of artwork--for the Turnip Prize. Again, not the prestigious Turner Prize, but the even MORE prestigious Turnip Prize. In my opinion.

I first entered four years ago, having phoned the mastermind of this wonderful addition to the art world and asked him to let me know if my entry was on the right track. He was patient as I described it, then said he thought it probably took too much work. I sent it anyway. (Photo below)
  

Parliament of Foules, my first losing Turnip Prize entry. (For non UK residents, the dork at the right is David Cameron, Tory PM who got us into this fucking Brexit mess. The rest are other execrable Tories.)

It didn't win.

But I was on a mission. So the next year, I sent two entries. They were so simple, it took me no more than 2 minutes to create each one.

The first was called Cock-a-Doodle and it was a scribble of a pecker on a sheet from a notepad, taped to a bit of cardboard.

The second was elaborate, consisting of a bill from our vet with a plastic bull from a bottle of wine taped to it and the whole thing taped to a piece of cardboard. It was called Bull Chit.

It didn't win either.

Then we moved to France in 2016 during pre-Turnip Prize season, so I missed that year. Then we moved back to our house in the UK last year during pre-Turnip season, except the skanky tenant was still in our house. We spent six weeks in two holiday homes waiting for the courts to move their arse and hers, and it just wasn't possible for me to get excited about the Turnip Prize. Or to create an entry.

So I missed two years. But ta da!  This year I have four--FOUR--entries in mind. I have now obtained all the materials I need for all four: a glass jar, an old watch, some toy horses, toy knights, a mouse squeak toy for cats, a tiny ladder and candy corn. I hope the fact that the corn had to be imported from the US won't disqualify that entry for being too demanding to create. But they don't have candy corn in the UK, and it was essential, so I had to take the artistic risk. (Oh, dear, this does sound like too much effort. Note to Turnip Prize judges: Please remember that these are the raw materials for FOUR entries, so how much time could I possibly spend on each one?)

Last year's winner was called Pulled Pork, and it was a toy tractor attached to a toy pig by a piece of cord.

I really do want to win.

It's not just the swell turnip mounted on board with a rusty nail that I want. It's the chance to go to the awards ceremony in Somerset--only a couple of hours away--and revel through the night. Or at least the early evening.

In case you want to enter (DON'T YOU DARE ENTER!), the information you need is below.

The Turnip Prize is a spoof art award of the lesser known Turner Prize. We will be accepting entries for this year’s competition from Friday 1st November. Entries should take the least amount of effort possible to create.

To enter contact:

Trevor 01934 710004 or 07812848011

Or The New Inn, Wedmore.

Alternatively leave your entry at The New Inn, Combe Batch, Wedmore, Somerset. BS28 4DT

Please include your name or pseudonym and contact phone number.

Closing date for entries will be Friday 21st November.

The winner will be announced at The New Inn, Wedmore, Somerset on Tuesday 5th December at 6.30pm.

For more info visit The New Inn, Wedmore or our facebook page

If you're not THAT deep into crap art, you might want to buy the toilet-side book instead, below.

Frankly, I think Knickerless Cage took quite a lot of work, considering.

BTW: I don't know if you SHOULD buy it via the link below. I got a note this morning telling me my blogs had not sold enough amazon product (oh, gosh, SO sorry, should have known I was working for Bezos' increasing wealth, and not my own art purposes), so I'd say either find it in a store or see if Waterstone's (UK) or Barnes & Noble (US) can order one for you. Or just do a LookInside.